For Beginners Only
It is indeed confusing to walk into an Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional families meeting for the first time.
Congratulations on your bravery. In these rooms you are welcome to share the confusion and pain that have haunted you.
Do you qualify for membership? Many beginners feel that they are not entitled to be in these rooms. There may have
been no alcoholism in your family, but if you identify with the list of characteristics, you probably belong. Adult children of
compulsive gamblers, narcotics addicts, mentally ill parents or siblings and generally dysfunctional families have found
help and acceptance in these rooms. If you identify with us, you are welcome to consider yourself one of us.
You may hear words that are new to you: "lost child," "hero," "scapegoat," "codependant," "the child within," etc. Read the
literature or simily listen and you will understand. You may also hear about spiritual recovery and the Twelve Steps and
Traditions. This is not a religious movement, but many of us have found that a belief in a power greater than ourselves has
been helpful in our recovery.
Strange as it sounds, there are no rules or explanations except to keep coming to meetings. Newcomers are frequently
insecure or unsure about what recovery is all about, so, a few hints for beginners:
Attend 90 meetings in 90 days:
What you hear may make you sad, uncomfortable or angry. Try to examine your feelings. You may find yourself getting physical symptoms: dozing off, geeeitn dizzy, feeling nauseated or headachy. All are typical. Recovery is no day at the beach. There are many Alanon, AA, Alanon Adult Children and ACOA groups in New Jersey. Although we try to make every meeting a safe place, not all are, and you will feel more comfortable in some than in others. Sample and select, take what you like and leave the rest.
Speak up at meetings:
It's okay if you can only say your name, and that you want to pass. It has been so for others of us. We embrace you. Share with us if you can. And once you do speak, others will identify with you and perhaps grow from what you share. More importantly, you will.
Reach out to other ACOAs:
If there is someone you are drawn to or strongly identify with, you might tell them so after a meeting. It is not unusual for a group to go out for coffee afterward. Invite yourself, or ask another ACOA to join you. Isolation is part of our dysfunction, and we can break it.
Don't take rejection too personally:
It hurts when a friendly overture is rebuffed, especially as we all feel perticularly vulnerable in these rooms. Try not to take ot too personally. It has happened to all of us. Remember that each of us is in the room because of conflicts and problems and some friction and disappointment is inevitable.
Try to keep the focus on yourself and your feelings:
While it is painful and difficult to do so, we are in these rooms for ourselves and to feel our feelings. Lecturing, advice-giving, criticism, "feedback," commentary on others, "fixing" are detrimental to others' recovery as well as your own. Focus on your past, your feelings, your problems, your patterns. This isn't selfish, it's healthy. Relate to others' feelings, not to the events they describe.
Don't follow leaders:
Be wary of anyone who acts as an authority
Source Anonymous
Last Revised -- Monday, November 11, 1996 10:26:20 PM
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Send comments to Ralph Lambert, rlambert@for-him.com